When a door closes

The know-it-alls always say another door is supposed to open somewhere, but the image that comes to my mind is rather Fred Flintstone out in the cold and banging on the door after being tossed out. Cold and alone. Why would another open door help? People just wanna go home, not crash on a friend’s sofa or stay in a hotel behind another door that happens to be open.

As for me, still trying to figure out if actually not having a home helps in this instance. After all, it is someone else’s home I’ve been tossed out of. I should not have been there in the first place, and yet I had my feet on the coffee table. I had it coming.

Open or closed, Ubud’s doors beg to be photographed.

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People sometimes ask me how on earth is it possible that my anxiety and connection issues don’t prevent me from travelling and coping with it quite well. Simple. I can reinvent myself every day, and don’t have to suffer the long-term consequences of small talk gone wrong or a violent outburst. There are no witnesses to remind and tease me later if I screw up. There are new people coming and going, and at least for ten minutes everyone treats me like they would a normal person, so I can relax a bit. If I don’t feel like talking to anyone for a week, then I can afford to do that without being punished. Or if so happens, once in a while, I can make deep and important connections. Sometimes just enjoy the simple, superficial fun. At the same time, the day-to-day logistics in a new place keeps me busy enough, a little bit like being at work.

Now in Bali I am too relaxed, nothing challenging here anymore. I need it in many ways, but in other ways, it is not helping. If I think of it, it’s like lots and lots of doors, open and closed, many lives, so many things that could possibly happen, disasters or connections. It should be exciting.

Even if I know all these things, at the moment, I am still alone and cold in the street, with all those doors closed but who knows, maybe also bolted. I don’t want to stand up and go anywhere. I want someone to come to me and talk to me….


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