Grateful

I’m still in a kind of daze or shock, and it is painful to look at some of these photos, because they remind me how happy and excited I was until it happened. And then I’ve been listening to stories and trying to forget, and I was also remembering some old disasters. And then at night I was lying awake and thinking that I might be an ungrateful little bitch, but I’m simply sick of feeling happy for being healthy and being able to travel and having water when I turn on the tap (well, most of the time at least), and for not being burnt alive like a Nepali woman was by her in-laws the other day, and for not dying in the shipwreck, and for not getting into a road accident for many years, and for not ending up being abused in my relationship, and for not bleeding to death when I miscarried, and for not having my laptop stolen at least, or for all the terrible things that could have happened but did not happen to me. Damn of course it could be much, much worse. But I’d just like to things get a little better, sometimes. And I’m pushing myself and really trying and…. but the shadows seem to follow me.

Anyways. So this is like still part of Kathmandu, can even hear all the planes take off and land, a crumbling old town, world heritage area, more stunning woodcarvings and tidy palaces, but also a vibrant living space for tens of thousands, where you can bump into a man carrying the severed, bloody head of a goat (sacrifice for the ancestors), or people bathing in the street, and going about bringing in the rice crops, and making yoghurt, throwing clay to make pots with surprisingly few strokes of a hand, and drawing water from the wells (it is the very end of the dry season and the pipes are running dry), and rebuilding pagodas from traditionally made red bricks. The buildings look ancient, but most of them were actually built or heavily renovated after the earthquake in 1934. If a solar storm wipes out our civilization, these people will still know how to survive because they do it every day.

Mike, Billy, I have a lot of photos today and I hope you like them, thank you for being such an appreciative audience (or the visual equivalent), it means a lot to me.

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