Nature or nurture?

Not a chance that I can contribute anything meaningful to the age-old debate, but I am definitely blown away at times by the magnitude of what I had always thought to be true about the “nature” side.
My son already has a personality, whether it came from his soul, whatever that is, or his genes. He needs people, things happening, entertainment. He would be so much happier in a big family 😦 I’m desperately trying to connect with people, and find a space for us outside these couple of square metres, but I am too old or broken to reinvent myself, and anyway, even that would need soft skills and connections that I have always been unable to manage. Yet again, as I see more of the local “parenting scene”, I perceive myself as insignificant and sometimes extremely inadequate. My son needs me, and in many ways, I am already letting him down.

I’m not in a good shape. I need to focus on just doing this day by day, the best I can, and try to keep out any thoughts or doubts of anything beyond that.

Because my son is wonderful and he needs me, and I need to figure out how to give him the things that I cannot as yet.

I’m reminded of his big brother in many ways. I miss those kids, too.

IMG_8235

To what extent is Asia already in his blood? The jungle, the music, the joy? Going to sleep at sunset definitely works out better at the tropics 🙂

And the all-important question also is not only what I can give him… but what am I going to take away from him? Which half of his family? Where would he be more successful? Happier?

dani nov11

dani nov12

(sleepy.)

dani nov14

The last couple of days have been really rough and I am struggling even to find my voice to speak about it, find the way to relate to my own feelings about it. He has started a weird mixture of separation anxiety and a roller coaster of emotions. He has always been so calm and cheerful. Now he already has a voice to let me know about his emotional needs, the trouble is, I don’t understand him at all at times. Would his father understand? Would he just simply take him along to the tourist centre and hold him in his arms while he is chatting away with people? I think it would all come to him naturally, because they have a similar personality.

I need to think. I need to calm down. Too stressed out. Too sleepy again, typing away here, instead of accepting that luxury that I could have gone to sleep myself at 6 pm as well…

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