Day by day

DSC_0432The thing is, I still have no clue what I’m going to do with an extroverted child. He demands entertainment. The more people around, the better, he even tries to skip meals and naps to see people. Other babies his age are either fidgeting with their toys, hugging mommy, or screaming their heads off, while my son is watching everybody with eager eyes and soaking it all up. He has barely even noticed his own hands at the same time. They are too near. Too boring.

The photos keep jumping all over the page and my patience is gone so all the text goes here and you are required to imagine a nicely formatted and edited blog post here :-/

I’m trying not to despair but it is not easy sometimes.

At the moment, colourful leaves dancing in the wind against the clear blue sky and shimmering sunlight will suffice… but guess what, those leaves are falling off fast.

I don’t have any friends anymore. It is a long time to be away for 9 years. Or 4. Or a year and a half. Those were the years when I moved countries. And everywhere I look, I see people who are, or at least manage to appear, self-confident and accomplished. I have a son who sleeps through the night and never cries, and yet I cannot finish or sometimes start) anything. We go for these walks every day, now that it is still not raining and not freezing during the day. And then what, when he starts crawling and climbing and pulling the place apart, all of these couple of square metres where all of our stuff is all over, because there is no place else, this tiny little space left from the entire world that was mine just a year ago. Yes, I feel trapped. Alone with all the responsibility.

I’m happy but I am really scared at the same time, screaming for help all the time, yet nobody can hear me, or if maybe they do, they don’t care enough.

I do all that I need to, but my heart is still frozen. I do all the singing and trying to research all the stupid little things that might be important, but I am not really here. This is still a movie I am watching. Is my son constantly looking out the window and trying to get out of here because that’s what I am doing too?

How on earth am I going to relate to my son if at the age of 4 months he can already do what I have never been able to figure out in this life, although I have always desperately wanted to: get on with people?

The only time he can roll over now is when he is looking for me, even in his sleep. I need to go. His hands are freezing even in a warm room when I am not hugging him.

dani sep27



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At 4 months now:

  • he loves red
  • he loves brown bear brown bear, and watches my hands when I show the ASL signs,
  • he does a cycle of eat-nap-have fun every two and a half hours, naps are almost 30 minutes to the second
  • his favourite toy is a soft plastic cube with sea animals
  • we have switched to cloth nappies now, he doesn’t pee a lot so it’s easy for now
  • those little teeth are moving, sometimes lots of screaming during the day, and two really restless nights, restless meaning scream in his sleep only, not waking up properly
  • he has eaten a couple of slices of apple but we are not telling the health visitor because he really shouldn’t
  • he loves listening to people on the phone and music on youtube
  • he has stopped growling like a dog while he is eating, and not fidgeting with his ear anymore, more like holding on to me so I don’t run away
  • only rolling over and reaching for things by accident
  • he babbles less and less, except for angry protests and complaints when he wants a bath after sunset
  • sun worship! sunset means time to go to sleep, sunrise means time to wake up, would work neatly in a tropical country….
  • only crying when really in pain
  • this is boring but just so I remember at least a little …..

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