Last fall

These photos remind me of a life I wanted to have, but wasn’t meant to. It’s been almost ten years, but sometimes I still remember and sometimes it still hurts. I went for this walk every day. I miss the colours, now that I look and think about it. It was the best autumn ever. Actually, the only sunny, bright, warm autumn I remember at all. And I needed it badly. 

I remembered it wrong, it’s not the same leaf, but I was trying. But almost.

I paid so much for every little morsel of a happy moment. And it is the same always, over and over again. The only difference now is that I can actually keep breathing and I can work and I can sort of live. Because I have to. At that time, that walk, and these photos, and a few motions to go through, took up all the energy I had.